With all my strength

 Hello Love,

Actually hindi ko talaga alam bakit ko sinusulat to, all I know is I'm filled with all the emotions I can think of and hindi ko na alam paano pa ieexpress sayo. I know nagsisismula kang muli and alam kong sinusubukan mo talaga akong mahalin, kilalanin, piliin, kahit hindi naman talaga ako ang mahal mo. :( Sorry, kala ko kaya kong icontain to, but I guess not.

Ang totoo, nabasa ko lahat ng blogs na sinulat mo kay Ria. Like everything. Pati rants and all, and one thing I realized, for the past year, pala, while I'm busy worrying, praying, getting crazy, fighting for our relationship and our future marriage, you only have eyes for Ria. I pretended to be okay, na wala na lang sakin lahat, pero para akong tinusok straight sa puso and sobrang sakit. Sobrang sakit na even sa rants mo wala ako. Like non-existent ako for you. Sinamahan kita sa binyag ng inaanak mo sa Carmona pero si Ria pala ang nasa isip mo. Kaya pala wala kang Christmas gift sakin kasi si Ria lang yung pinagplanuhan mong bilhan :( Yung nagpplano ka palang ligawan si Ria, with all the good stuff in the future, hehe, so ibig sabihin ba non wala ka talagang plano magpakasal sakin? :(

Binili mo pa yung perfume nya kaya pala wala ka ng pake kahit anong perfume ko, hehe kasi wala naman na palang kwenta sayo. I know this sounds so petty, pero ramdam ko kung gaano mo sya kamahal sa mga sinusulat mo for her and you're even looking forward na maging future boyfriend nya. Hindi kita masisisi kung di mo masabi sakin to lahat in person kasi alam kong ayaw mo din akong masaktan, but just like Allie sa the notebook, please do this right. Piliin mo yung taong totoong mahal mo. Wag mong hayaang pagsisihan mo to please. Gaya ng sabi ko sayo, after ng week na to, I will let you go. 

Alam kong mas masaya ka kay Ria. Mas mahal na mahal mo sya. 

Never akong nakareceive ng ganong letter from you. With so much passion and soul and made me think na parang catch basin mo lang ako. Pag mag problema ka, sasaluhin kita, tutulungan, pero in reality wala lang naman ako sayo. Never mong naisip na pag nawala si Ria sayo, nandito pa ako oh, tinatanggap kita despite ang lahat ng sakit na naranasan ko sayo. :( pero wala eh. kahit pala yung pagpunta ng tagaytay nung pasko, ayaw mo pala talaga. Sobrang saya ko pa naman non kasi nakabonding ang mga kapatid mo, with you, kaya lang ako lang pala may gusto. Sorry if ipinilit ko :( Sorry din kung pinilit kong mahayag tayo. Kaya pala ayaw mong malaman nila agad kasi you're planning something with Ria pa. Kung sinabi mo agad sakin, di naman kita pipilitin eh. Di naman kita pipigilan din na manligaw sa kanya. Gaya nga ng letter ko sayo nung January, which I don't know if nabasa mo, since I feel like you don't care that much naman sa mga sinusulat ko sayo, but sabi ko okay lang sakin na samahan ka during the lowest time na buhay mo, and pag okay ka na and okay na kayo ni Ria and gusto nyo pa din ang isa't isa, I'll gladly give way. And I think ito na yung panahon.

Di na kita sisisihin if nag try ka mag plan uli ng marriage with me pero di ko din kayang ipilit yun knowing na what you look forward each day is Ria and not me. Madali naman ipacancel yun kasi maaga pa. Di kita sisisngilin for anything. What I want you to do is manindigan ka sa taong mahal mo, no matter what the cost. Alam ko namang I am the least of your concerns so hindi magiging mahirap sayo to.

Love, mahal na mahal kita. Gaya ng lagi kong sabi sayo, sayo lang ang puso ko. I will give you the world if only I can, and I will give you your world - si Ria. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine and slowly accepting, na ganon talaga. Sometimes I win, sometimes I learn. And I've learned a lot this time. 

Maybe God is telling this time to just stop, kasi hindi naman ako mananalo dito, except it built my character, which is what I'm most grateful for. And syempre, I got to spend a small infinity with you. Okay na siguro yon.

I love you Aldous. We'll still get through this week. I will give you all my love in all its strength, tapos kay Ria ka na. Hopefully, I'll find that same love for me somewhere in the future. 

I love you, in all ways, always.
xx jas