With all my strength

 Hello Love,

Actually hindi ko talaga alam bakit ko sinusulat to, all I know is I'm filled with all the emotions I can think of and hindi ko na alam paano pa ieexpress sayo. I know nagsisismula kang muli and alam kong sinusubukan mo talaga akong mahalin, kilalanin, piliin, kahit hindi naman talaga ako ang mahal mo. :( Sorry, kala ko kaya kong icontain to, but I guess not.

Ang totoo, nabasa ko lahat ng blogs na sinulat mo kay Ria. Like everything. Pati rants and all, and one thing I realized, for the past year, pala, while I'm busy worrying, praying, getting crazy, fighting for our relationship and our future marriage, you only have eyes for Ria. I pretended to be okay, na wala na lang sakin lahat, pero para akong tinusok straight sa puso and sobrang sakit. Sobrang sakit na even sa rants mo wala ako. Like non-existent ako for you. Sinamahan kita sa binyag ng inaanak mo sa Carmona pero si Ria pala ang nasa isip mo. Kaya pala wala kang Christmas gift sakin kasi si Ria lang yung pinagplanuhan mong bilhan :( Yung nagpplano ka palang ligawan si Ria, with all the good stuff in the future, hehe, so ibig sabihin ba non wala ka talagang plano magpakasal sakin? :(

Binili mo pa yung perfume nya kaya pala wala ka ng pake kahit anong perfume ko, hehe kasi wala naman na palang kwenta sayo. I know this sounds so petty, pero ramdam ko kung gaano mo sya kamahal sa mga sinusulat mo for her and you're even looking forward na maging future boyfriend nya. Hindi kita masisisi kung di mo masabi sakin to lahat in person kasi alam kong ayaw mo din akong masaktan, but just like Allie sa the notebook, please do this right. Piliin mo yung taong totoong mahal mo. Wag mong hayaang pagsisihan mo to please. Gaya ng sabi ko sayo, after ng week na to, I will let you go. 

Alam kong mas masaya ka kay Ria. Mas mahal na mahal mo sya. 

Never akong nakareceive ng ganong letter from you. With so much passion and soul and made me think na parang catch basin mo lang ako. Pag mag problema ka, sasaluhin kita, tutulungan, pero in reality wala lang naman ako sayo. Never mong naisip na pag nawala si Ria sayo, nandito pa ako oh, tinatanggap kita despite ang lahat ng sakit na naranasan ko sayo. :( pero wala eh. kahit pala yung pagpunta ng tagaytay nung pasko, ayaw mo pala talaga. Sobrang saya ko pa naman non kasi nakabonding ang mga kapatid mo, with you, kaya lang ako lang pala may gusto. Sorry if ipinilit ko :( Sorry din kung pinilit kong mahayag tayo. Kaya pala ayaw mong malaman nila agad kasi you're planning something with Ria pa. Kung sinabi mo agad sakin, di naman kita pipilitin eh. Di naman kita pipigilan din na manligaw sa kanya. Gaya nga ng letter ko sayo nung January, which I don't know if nabasa mo, since I feel like you don't care that much naman sa mga sinusulat ko sayo, but sabi ko okay lang sakin na samahan ka during the lowest time na buhay mo, and pag okay ka na and okay na kayo ni Ria and gusto nyo pa din ang isa't isa, I'll gladly give way. And I think ito na yung panahon.

Di na kita sisisihin if nag try ka mag plan uli ng marriage with me pero di ko din kayang ipilit yun knowing na what you look forward each day is Ria and not me. Madali naman ipacancel yun kasi maaga pa. Di kita sisisngilin for anything. What I want you to do is manindigan ka sa taong mahal mo, no matter what the cost. Alam ko namang I am the least of your concerns so hindi magiging mahirap sayo to.

Love, mahal na mahal kita. Gaya ng lagi kong sabi sayo, sayo lang ang puso ko. I will give you the world if only I can, and I will give you your world - si Ria. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine and slowly accepting, na ganon talaga. Sometimes I win, sometimes I learn. And I've learned a lot this time. 

Maybe God is telling this time to just stop, kasi hindi naman ako mananalo dito, except it built my character, which is what I'm most grateful for. And syempre, I got to spend a small infinity with you. Okay na siguro yon.

I love you Aldous. We'll still get through this week. I will give you all my love in all its strength, tapos kay Ria ka na. Hopefully, I'll find that same love for me somewhere in the future. 

I love you, in all ways, always.
xx jas

Entry #1 | Freedom

Hello Love ❤️

I read back the blogs I wrote and I was reminded na captain nga pala ang tawag ko sayo before hehe. Wala lang, I feel like, it's just fitting..

So we are now going into our 3rd month of freedom and I must say, I'm enjoying it, too much that I sometimes take it for granted so sorry. Just like my last blog, I want to start by saying sorry for not being thw right person for you and for giving you all sorts of anxiety. For going beyond my limits and for pushing you till it hurts. Just know that I don't mean to hurt you and harm you and there's no good excuse for doing so, so please forgive me. I will continously work on myself to be the right person for you.

At this point love, I really hope you know and feel how much I love you. I may not be as romantic and showy as you, but Im trying to make you feel my love, my way. I promise to love you and choose you, and the people you love, always, with no second thoughts. And no matter where life takes us, I'll be fine as long as you're with me.

You are indeed my better half, the light in the life and the soul that leads me to where I'm meant to be. I am so blessed that God chose me for you and Im forever grateful. So love, just let me love you with all I have, kahit madalas may topak ako, kasama yon haha. I'll stay with you as long as I can. I love you so much! Happpy 17th months love, and to many more! 💕

Love you always, 

xx jas

Entry #7 S2 | Lifetime Worth of Apologies Pt. 2

 Hello Captain,

Thank you sa blog mo at sa pangungulit mo sakin despite of me being so passive these days.

I just don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel anymore. Gusto ko na lang pumunta somewhere else na walang nakakakilala sakin and start over kasi hindi ko na alam talaga but I know ginagamit lang to sakin ng kaaway to distract me so thank you for pulling to back to the reality of God's promises. Hindi ko talaga alam ang gagawin ko if it's not you. I can confidently say that we are still in the center of God's will because of YOU, and your perseverance. You've been showing me the Corinthian's kind of love while I'm busy with my negative thoughts to even notice and appreciate. Alam ko naman pong maling mali ako and there's no good reason and excuse for it. I commit myself that we are in this together pero ako yung nang-iiwan :( sorry talaga.

I just hope and pray that the Lord continue to sustain you with the kind of love that comes from Him alone and He do the same with me kasabay ang pagbabago nya sa puso and pag break sa walls ko. You are now seeing the dusty and messy part of my mixed up personality, the very reason why ayoko nang makipagcommit kasi alam kong nakakasakit lang ako  :( but thank you for staying, understanding, pushing me, encouraging, hoping, waiting, protecting, caring and loving me. You've given me the most love I've ever have in a very short period of time, kahit pa sa pinaka weird na timing and circumstances kaya thank you, thank you. Hindi ko alam paano babawi sayo and hindi ko alam kung anong part pa ng buhay ko ang katanggap tanggap sayo but I will do my best to reciprocate your efforts, not because napipilitan ako but because I also what to give you the love that you deserve. I want to treat you like the king that you are so please give me chance po to make things right. I will do my best to make it up to you, sa tulong at biyaya ng Dyos.

May word actually ang Lord sakin and  after this wala na Syang sinabi but I guess, this is enough to stay and continue to fight.

2 Chronicles 32:7-8

7 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria and the vast army with him, for there is a greater power with us than with him.  

8 With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles.” And the people gained confidence from what Hezekiah the king of Judah said.

Thank you for sharing the link about obeying your pastors and that's exactly my thoughts kaya nagkakagulo ang brain cells ko kasi hindi ko maipaliwanag sa sarili why I have to obey and at the same time ayokong maging matalino sa sarili kong karunungan haays but thank you!

You were, are and will always be special to me, ipakita ko man or not, but you have a special place in my life and my heart which I hope to keep for the rest of my eternal life.

Thank you, Captain! YOU ARE THE BEST!

ttyl!

xxJAS

Entry #6 S2 | Late and Insensitive

Hello captain.

So I guess na yung late new year blog ko na hinihintay mo. Sorry I wasn't able to make up for that. And sorry again if madami akong words na hindi ko napuput into actions. And sorry na sobrang selfish and insensitive ko most of the time. Talagang weakness ko sila and praying na patuloy na baguhin ng Lord.

I just want you to know na alam kong ang cause ng anxiety mo ay yung reaction ko dun sa regalo mo. I'm so sorry and I do appreciate the effort. Hindi lang talaga ako sanay na pinag eeffort and most especially, we are not in the place to make a move sa situation natin. Alam kong nagmumuka akong hindi sumusunod sa Lord but this is the way He is leading me eh. And I'm thinking that God is even using each other to test us kasi eventually we'll have more of this in the future. Sorry if sinabi kong ibigay mo na lang kay lola, I didnt know na flowers pala sya. Sorry talaga. Ayoko lang kasing masayang yung effort kasi I know na wala akong gagawin or hindi ako makikipagkita sayo for that. That will put me sa sobrang hirap na position compromising my ministry and my disciples. 😔 Kahit gaano pa katagal at gaano katuyo ang flowers, I'll be very happy to receive when the time is right.

Pero ngayon kasi we are not really in the position to fight for it, unless willing ka ng bumalik dito ang fight for the 2nd time around, but I think it still is not the right. 

So just keep thay gift and letter for me. 😊 

Alam kong mahirap sa part mo because it appears like I'm rejecting you, sorry talaga. 😔 Sana nauunawaan mo yung sitwasyon 😔

Praying na mawala na yung anxiety mo. You will always be the 2nd best thing that has ever happened to me, di naman magbabago yun, may gift man o wala. I'll always appreciate you! ❤️

Ttyl captain!

xxJas

Entry #5 S2 | Tired

Captaaain. 

Sorry kung parang sobrang lutang ako kagabi. I'm just really so tired of thinking ng mga bagay bagay. 😭 Feel ko talaga nauubusan na ko ng ibibigay, na understanding, na patience, na energy. Pero syempre di naman pedeng magbreakdown kasi madaming umaasa satin. Iniiyak ko naman sya sa Lord but I guess nandun nga yung burden. Yung kahit anong gawin ko di ko mahanapan ng good reason yung mga pinapagawa sakin. 

I'm trying to give my best na maging leader sa mga disciples ko but haays idk. Pagod lang siguro talaga ako. 

Kaninang umaga gusto agad akong ma PID ni pastora. Di ko alam kung anong sobrang urgent na bagay ang sasabihin nya sakin but then tumanggi muna ako kasi may schedule ako for this morning. I'm praying na i-lead talaga ko ng Holy Spirit sa mga bagay na dapat kong sabihin. And totoo naman yung sinabi mo, I have a lot to fight for pero pag nakikita ko na yung ilalaban ko eh para sa sarili ko, idk parang wag na lang. Sanay naman akong nagbibigay, malungkot na ko wag lang sila. Maburden na ko, wag lang sila. Siguro nandito pa din yung pagiging people pleaser ko na naglelead sakin to invalidate yung mga word ng Lord. 😭

Ang word ng Lord sakin kanina eh "I can bring the same boy back into your life." Ito yung kwento ni Elisha at ng Shunamite woman. Na kung paanong nangako ang Lord na magkakaanak ang babae, ibinigay yung promise pero binawi din agad. Namatay yung bata which is a circumstance na parang ang hirap paniwalaan kung pano kikilos ang Lord, pero gumamit Sya ng tao to bring back the same boy sa buhay ng nanay nya. Pede kasing bigyan na lang ng bagong anak to follow the natural process pero hindi eh. Mas naglorify ang Lord kasi His promise came to pass. 2 Kings 4:8-32

I know na at alam mo ang ibigay sabihin and alam ko din ang meaning nung revelation sayo ng Lord. Ako talaga yung hirap sa pagsunod sa word dahil nga I have my ears sa mga leader ko and mas pinili ko yung other way around. Takot akong lumaban kasi never kong natutuhan ipaglaban yung mga para sa sarili ko. Mas malakas akong ipaglaban yung para sa ibang tao, kaya sobrang hirap sakin nito. Sorry. Alam kong hirap na hirap ka din, kaya mas mahirap talaga sya, hindi ko na alam. Pero pagod na din akong makarinig ng judgments at mga sinasabi nila. Ayoko talaga ng reason para magalit sa kanila haays. 😞

Buti pa si azeneth, matapang at naiilaban nya yung alam nyang tama. 😞 Sobrang nanghihina ako talaga all aspects and sobrang dami kong kailangang maaccomplish this week, nanghihina na ko by just thinking of it. Pero thank you kasi malaking tulong pag reach out mo sakin. Malaking tulong yung pagtawag mo kagabi at yung encouragements mo.

I'm also praying for you. Manghihina pero di susuko. I will find my passion and motivation again. Parang ubos na ubos lang talaga ako ngayon. Sorry. 😞😞

Magreready na po ako sa harvest event namin laters.

'till my next one

xxJas

Entry #4 S2 | Thinking of You

Captaaaain!

Sorry ngayon lang ako ulit nakapag entry. Gusto ko sana magsulat kagabi kaso sobrang pagod ko na kaya fnlood na lang kita ng stories hahahahaha pero wala eh, tinalo mo pa din ako. 😂😂

Kahapon umalis kami sa bahay mga past 12nn na para magshopping ng regalo, para sa boss ko tapos sa mga taong kailangan regaluhan, sa mga harvest namin at kung kani kanino, tapos alam mo ba nakakita ako ng mug sa bench tapos naisip kita kasi may nakalagay na captain. Sabi ko Lord wala naman pong aalalahanan 😭😭

Perfect gift sana for you, ilang beses ko binalikan eh kaso sabi ko, ito nga kasi yung boundaries na dapat ilagay natin, so I decided not to buy it and so future, i'll give you something better. 😊 Anywaays ayoon, mga mag 8pm na kami nakauwi kagabi, bagsak na ko pero kumain pa rin ako kasi nga po daily reminders. 😊😊

Tapos kaninang umaga 10am ba ko gumising, nagpray, kumain tapos nagbalot ako ng gifts for harvest, di pa nga tapos eh, itutuloy ko pa ngayon tapos magsasariling sikap pedicure ako kasi wala na ko time magpalinis. Mineet ko ng sama sama yung mga disciples ko kanina huhu. Naiiyak ako, sobrang faithful ng Lord. ❤️ Tho nadididscern ko yung spirit nila eh sobrang honored akong mapagkatiwalaan na alagaan sila. 😊 The same honor na nafefeel ko kasi pinagkatiwalaan ako ng someone like you para alagaan at ipanalangin for the rest of may life. 🤍 Kiliiigs. 😊

Masaya ako kasi nakakapagjoke ka na ulit at nakakatawa. Kahit na alam kong malungkot ka pa din, masaya akong makabasa ng mga epic mong jokes at banat hahahahha 😂😂 miss na kita. 😞

Sige papanuoding ko yung Luther sa TV kasama ni inay. 😊 Kahit alam kong di nya naman magegets hehe. Pero thaank you kasi kasama pa din ako sa mga plans mo kahit di tayo naguusap, pero ok lang din naman na gawin mo ang mga bagay bagay on your own kasi alam ko na dadating din yung point na kahit ok na ang lahat sa atin eh gagawin natin ang mga mabagay na magisa. Sabi nga, dahil committed tayo at sumusunod, we need to do things kahit takot tayo. And eventually, makikita mo ang sarili mong nagtatagumpay on your own, at syempre sa tulong ng Lord. Alam kong kailangan mo lagi ng kausap pero mas alam kong kakayanin mo kahit kayo lang ng Lord muna ang mag usap for now, or gamitin mo yung same passion to reach out to your cell members at mas mag win pa kayo. Kasi yan talaga ang kailangan eh, yung maging light and salt tayo sa ating lugar. Gamitin mo yung time na kausapin si mama, gagamitin ng Lord yan para maibalik sya sa dating relationship kina pastor. Philippians 4:13 tayo.😊😊

Thankful din ako kasi despite ng pinagdadaanan natin, nakakatulong pa din tayo sa iba, like you with Mark. Malaking blessing ka sa kanya. And ito naman yung mark ng tunay na leader, yung kaya mong iignore ang sariling problema to reach out and inspire others, kahit ikaw sugatang sugatan na. I'm proud of you and will always be proud of you. 😊

Alam kong almost a week palang na hind tayo naguusap pero it feels like forever already. Madami akong naiipon na kwento and side comments for you, hahaha so magready ka na sa future. And regarding kay maine, okay lang na ikwento mo. Curious ako sa responses nya pero binasa ko din yung kwento natin and yes sobrang powerful nga, if only people will take our there preconceptions about us. Excited tuloy ako what future holds for us. 

Maganda ang word ng Lord sakin kanina eh, and I know encouragements sya kasi sabi ko bakit feel ko nagkasala ako dito huhu and feel ko sabi nga Lord yes, mali ako sa pagsunod ko, I should've followed His words pero dahil nandito na He will just help me out and the next time alam ko na. Gaya ni Joram na nagkasala sa Lord pero still he honors and recognizes God, no matter how impossible things get para makatuloy, there's nothing too hard for the Lord. He will even change the hearts of those who cannot see His will for us. But again this is a battle at madaming nasusugatan sa battle, pero we have to hold fast to the Lord.

2 Kings 3:17-18

V17 For this is what the Lord says: You will see neither wind nor rain, yet this valley will be filled with water, and you, your cattle and your other animals will drink. 

V18  This is an easy thing in the eyes of the Lord; he will also deliver Moab into your hands. 

Alam kong nasa church ka na ngayon at busy na. I'm praying for a good night sleep and rest of your spirit tonight. 😊 Masaya akong maglingkod sa Lord lalo na ngayon na alam kong He is preparing someone so good for me. Ikaw yon, para clear. So wag mo kong alalahanin, I'll be fine, alaga ako ng Lord eh hehe. Umattend pala ako ng worship practice ngayon, kakauwi ko lang halos. Sarap magpuri talaga sa Lord, paos na ko kakakanta, but I don't mind. I can't wait na magpuri sa Lord kasama ka one day, and forever. 😊

Hanggang dito na lang muna captain. Still thinking of you! 😊

xxJas

Entry #3 S2 | Perseverance

Hello Captain!

Thank you for sharing your daily word of God. Alam ko naman ineencourage ka lagi ng Holy Spirit to pursue this and thank you for not giving up kahit sobrang hirap. Thank you for thinking of me even if it seems like sobrang passive ko. 

I am sorry kung iniiwasan kong isipin ka at ang sitwasyon kaso sobrang hirap at nakakapagod. Feel ko hindi ako makakatuloy sa ministry if I don't ignore my feelings but by God's grace, He sustains me. And your care, your blogs, your prayers sustains me. And feel ko kaya ka masyadong nagkakaganyan is because I dont carry my share of burden enough para malift yung iba sayo. 😭 Sorry. I just don't know what to do except this. And hirap makatuloy sa aking pagsunod and at the same time carry yung burden. Don't get me wrong, I am not leaving you on this. I'm just balancing the situation, so thank you sa prayers. Let's wait on God. 

Thank you for being honest with what you feel. That way I know what I'm going to pray. Haays sorry if halos lahat ng tao is reminding you of me. I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough na tabihan ka pagkain nung sabado. 😔 Promise talaga, when the time is right I will fight for you. Promise yan. 

So for now, ituloy mo lang yung mga plans and pag grab ng opportunities. I am happy that God is opening doors for you that is aligned to your passion. 😊 Okay lang po kahit 1yr ka lang sa COP, at least you made something very productive sa 2020 mo and you've learned a LOT! And naging best actor pa. I'm just so proud of you. Excited for what God has in store for your life. 😊😊

Btw, naka VL po ako today, bibili kami ng kapatid ko ng gifts para sa harvest events namin and at the same time magpapahinga din muna kasi I feel like sobrang exhausted ko this past week tapos sobrang full na naman ng sched ko this coming week. Sayang di ko mamemeet sila lola this Christmas pero may next Christmas pa naman. Looking forward to that. 😊

Sorry kung parang ang effortless ng mga blog ko. Di kasi accessible sa laptop ko eh so tiis sa phone. Haays feeling ko ang fail fail ko this time. Sorry. 

Pero ang word sakin ng Lord today is PERSEVERE. Do not stop until you get that thing that you are praying for. And you're what I am praying for. Kung paano si Elisha nagpersevere to get Elijah's annointing, I will do the same. (2 Kings 2:1-25)

Perseverance and commitment for you, now until forever. 😊 

'til my next one

xxJas